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[DEDICATED POEM]: Untitled

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Offline AlundraTopic starter

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[DEDICATED POEM]: Untitled
on: 12:45 pm Friday, November 9, 2007
Untitled
DEDICATED: The Mature One

I thought that I could trust you
and in my heart I still believe
though my mind tells it what you do
it still remains deceived.

I thought you were my friend
and that's how I treated you
but now we're at an end
and she still threatens to sue.

I know you lied to more than me
maybe it hurts them too
but meeting them made me see
the other side of you.

I really should have seen it coming
being forewarned by a friend
but I just kept ignoring
I didn't want to know the end

Now I know as your friends do
and knowledge made it clear
I just wish it was from you
such news I had to hear....





WRITTEN: today
REVISION: not a revision
UP FOR REVISION: no
INSPIRATION: friendship and trust
RELEVANCE: yes
« Last Edit: 4:30 pm Monday, September 15, 2008 by Jade »

skidmark

Re: [DEDICATED POEM]: untitled 3
Reply #1 on: 6:44 pm Friday, November 16, 2007
this is kinda a 'how i feel' statement, i appreciate it's how you feel, or felt, but maybe not poetic ?, i dunno

Offline AlundraTopic starter

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Re: [DEDICATED POEM]: untitled 3
Reply #2 on: 6:48 pm Friday, November 16, 2007
 =P had no other way to tell the bastard ;)

skidmark

Re: [DEDICATED POEM]: untitled 3
Reply #3 on: 7:10 pm Friday, November 16, 2007
ahh, fair nuff

Offline Haffina

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Re: [DEDICATED POEM]: untitled 3
Reply #4 on: 5:26 pm Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Was the last line of verse 2 and  verse 4 meant to be a different canter to the last lines of the other verses? It kind of made it feel a little disjointed that they are. I like the sentiment evident in the words though.

Offline AlundraTopic starter

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Re: [DEDICATED POEM]: untitled 3
Reply #5 on: 6:31 pm Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Quote
I thought that I could trust you
and in my heart I still believe
though my mind tells it what you do
it still remains deceived.

I was friends with someone I thought I could trust and give my heart to...even when I discovered he wasn't, I still believed in my heart that he was trustworthy.

Quote
I thought you were my friend
and thats how I treated you
but now we're at an end
and she still threatens to sue.

I discovered he had a she and she threatened to sue me if I tried to contact him.

Quote
I know you lied to more than me
maybe it hurts them too
but meeting them made me see
the other side of you.

He told me there was no she, and he told others lies too. I began talking to his friends. Many many secrets...They revealed his other side.

Quote
I really should have seen it coming
being forewarned by a friend
but I just kept ignoring
I didn't want to know the end

I was told by another he had a she but I dismissed it because I trusted him...I didn't want to accept it could be true.

Quote
Now I know as your friends do
and knowledge made it clear
I just wish it was from you
such news I had to hear....

SHE told me I wouldn't get to talk to him again. I never got my goodbye. I never got to say it. I just wish he told me, and not her.

Offline Haffina

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Re: [DEDICATED POEM]: untitled 3
Reply #6 on: 8:54 pm Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Your syllable breakdown in the last lines is 6 then 7 then 6 then 8 then 6. It breaks up the flow
If it was me I would change them - maybe take the 'and' out of the last line of verse two, and rewrite the last line of verse four to something like 'denying til the end'.
Or not - this is really just my opinion

 

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